3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
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Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.