me the second it drops below 70 degrees
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*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Peace was never an option
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.