Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
You Might Also Like
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.