At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
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Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
My plans: 2020:
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.