“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
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7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
what’s really going on
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.