When you let grandma cat sit
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Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.