If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
You Might Also Like
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes