“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
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What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Current mood: Potato
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.