Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
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My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.