A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
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I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?