The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
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How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
he looks great for his age
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family