ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
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She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory