Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
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I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
President The Rock Obama
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.