“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
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Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
why isn’t he texting back
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming