Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
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a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Natty or not?
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.