Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
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it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest