Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
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[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books