ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
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Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.