stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
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I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
my astrological sign is a french fry
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.