My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
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my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Please do it!
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal