If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
You Might Also Like
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
he was correct
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.