My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
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Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.