Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
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You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.