Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
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Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I get distracted pretty eas
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.