accurate
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Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM: