I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
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The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Brother?
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no