i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
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MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
sliding into dms like
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste