Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
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me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you