*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
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Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.