they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
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COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.