I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
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[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break