me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
You Might Also Like
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
The best shot in the history of golf
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.