Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
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Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
For when Tinder doesn’t work
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
My dog ate my work from home.