SF is the wild wild west man
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I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse