*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
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there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
an airline just for babies.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha