i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
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Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
This is the one
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby