Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
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Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Haha good job!!
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.