If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.