Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
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AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.