Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
You Might Also Like
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat