I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
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I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators