I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
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Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
no their not
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down