Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
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*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!