I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
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Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Any refunds available?…
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Sorry not sorry.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.