“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
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Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.