Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
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me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams