Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
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I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
lol
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”