The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
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Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
A double negative is a big no-no.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Phones down.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Bruh PLEASE
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right