If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
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Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
*serious situation*
My brain:
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.