If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
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Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.